Essays from an autistic transfemme educator navigating care, justice, and neurodivergence in a world not built for us. These monologues are offerings—gestalts that long for dialogue, held in AuDHD time.
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Before I Had the Words: Silence Was Something I Learned
Silence was not one thing. Sometimes I had no words. Sometimes I could not retrieve them. Sometimes I knew that speaking would cost more than remaining misunderstood. I learned to be brief because every additional word created another risk....
Before I Had the Words: Love Was Not the Same as Safety
I entered puberty without the words to explain myself, the safety to ask questions, or allies who might understand. I could love people and still fear what they would think of me. Love was real. So was the danger of being known.
I l...
Before I Had the Words: I Learned to Be Useful
When being wanted seemed unavailable, I learned to be useful. I could solve problems, work, achieve, and make myself needed. But competence is not belonging, and being valued for what I do is not the same as being wanted for who I am.
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Before I Had the Words: I Was Never in the Equation
Other people were learning how to be wanted. I was learning what it meant not to be considered. Being outside the economy of desirability changes more than romance. It changes who is welcomed, forgiven, approached, and seen.
I was n...
Before I Had the Words: The Closet Was Built Around Me
I was never hiding in a closet I had chosen. The world built its walls around me before I had words for myself. Its rules taught me what was dangerous to reveal. Finding language did not mean I had chosen silence before.
I have a pr...
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Authors
The writers behind this newsletter.
AuDHD. Gestalt Processor. SpEd & Maths Teacher. Author, Researcher, Poet, & Fiction Writer. | AutSide & Sensual Residue on Substack. (she / her)
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