Uncensored columns from an exiled newspaper man.
| Platform |  | Pricing | Only free issues | Publishes | Daily |
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| Issues | 583 | Founded | 2 years ago | Last Issue | 3 days ago |
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paragraphstacker.substack.comLatest Issues
FINNEY’S 5: What Finney Would Do If He Won the Powerball Jackpot
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Same thing every rich guy does: Form a SuperPAC and buy the souls of Congressional leaders.
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Stand up, walk out of work, never to be seen again — and not even bother signing out of my laptop.
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Enter concussion protocol after an...
FINNEY’S 5: Signs You’ve Got World Cup Fever
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You spend half an hour explaining the offsides rule to people at the bar who just don’t give a damn.
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You’re foolish enough to believe the U.S. side can win the World Cup even though it has the worst chant in all of soccer.
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Yo...
FINNEY’S 5: Why there was no Finney’s 5 on Monday
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I’m a teacher on summer break. How the hell am I supposed to know what day it is?
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I was too busy wrestling with the essential question of the universe: Cocoa Pebbles or Fruity Pebbles?
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In summer, I don’t live up to any standa...
FINNEY'S 5: Replacement bands for America 250 concert
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Reanimated zombie corpses of the animatronic ShowBiz Pizza house band Rock-afire Explosion.
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Spinal Tap — if they can find a drummer that won’t spontaneously combust.
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That band from the Star Wars cantina scene playing the only...
FINNEY'S 5: Needlessly elaborate synonyms for 'burned out'
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Knackered — That not-so-fresh feeling.
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Logy — Moving slower than a nudibranch.
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Prostrate — Face down in dirt; don’t care.
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Enervated — The vigor of a panda.
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Desiccated — Mummified for summer.
FINNEY’S 5...
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Authors
The writers behind this newsletter.
DANIEL P. FINNEY teaches middle school English. He stacked paragraphs in piles, short and tall, during a 27-year newspaper career.
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